We’ll leave it to your fertile imagination why we’ve been gone for such a hot minute.
And our subject of the day will be…birth control! Think about it. This huge nationwide push to get all females on these hormones, supposedly for their own good. Why the push? Why do we mindlessly take these little white pills that the government tells us will keep us safe—there could be anything in those things. I mean, that sort of plays into my larger theory about prescription pharmaceuticals in general, but to focus: not only do they keep us submissive by forcing reliance upon a daily schedule, they keep us chained financially because we go back, month after month, to refill our prescriptions as necessary. It’s all just training us how to behave by doing the same thing at the same time, day after day—and we wonder why we are creatures of habit? Anyway, I’d like to preserve my ovaries in case I need to, you know, use them some day to grow a child or whatever. But that’s just me.
How titillating! Well, it falls on me to play Devil’s Advocate (or would that be Claire?) and fact-checker. For all fact-checking intents, Wikipedia is my go-to. If you’re very interested or you don’t trust me to report back accurately, check out the article on birth control yourself. And if you happen to be a research stickler, suck it. School’s out for summer; school’s out forever!
Humans have reportedly been practicing birth control since 1850 BC. The ancients used a bunch of plants that had various spermatocidal or contraceptive properties. Looks like Silphium, one of the more potent of these, actually went extinct due to scarcity of good habitat, coupled with high demand, 200-300 years before His Holiness Jesus even got bornt. Speaking of Jesus, apparently myrrh was also a favored contraceptive plant. I guess the good lord needed extra parental attention or something; I never heard he had any siblings. Not all methods of birth control were quite so floral; women who wanted to induce sterility in ancient China would ingest a mixture of oil and quicksilver. For those not versed in archaic terms, quicksilver is mercury—you know, the stuff they stopped putting in thermometers because it’s so toxic. So Claire, if you’re going to make a case against current forms of contraception, keep in mind—at least they’re not force-feeding you mercury!
My vagina would be so silvery. Oh man. I sound so crazy right there. Good thing this blog doesn’t require me to cite sources. So maybe I’m a bit insane, but I just really, really love my natural levels of estrogen. I don’t fuck with them, except by including a disproportionately large amount of soy products in my diet (or is that just an urban legend thing?), and they don’t fuck with me, except, oh yeah, when they make me go crazy for a short period of time approximately every thirty days. But we like to keep things exciting, right? And I’m pretty sure my body’s good enough at maintaining homeostasis without me bombarding it with toxic synthetic shit to keep all my girly parts going. Me + hormones = bff.
And try not to leave with the impression that I’m some pro-life nut. It’s not the fetus prevention I’m against, it’s that particular method. Condoms? Go crazy! Use five! Heck, blow up some condom balloons and hand them out at your kid’s next birthday party. Just try to find a non-petroleum based material, out of respect for our most ancient Jurassic predecessors. And hey, smile—because your mom chose life. You special little thing. I saw that on a bumper sticker yesterday.
Personally, I see a great many reasons to take birth control pills. Oral contraceptives help a lot of young women regulate an otherwise irregular cycle; they can help with pain from cramps or PMS; if you’re with a long-term partner who you trust, you can do away with condoms—which are very fun, but, literally, get in the way. Conversely, if all five of your condoms break, and you have to take the morning after pill—well, that’s just a large dose of birth control all at once. Personally, I—who always have had trouble getting up and going to bed at regular times—take my birth control at 4:20 every day. That’s a habit I’m down with. And I, along with millions of other women, continue to receive birth control for free.99 from the very wonderful Planned Parenthood. As to Claire’s idea that there’s an extra hormone in birth control that brainwashes you…I can’t speak to that one.
If you want a real conspiracy theory, though, feast on this: the witch hunts that followed the Black Plague were very likely a political movement in favor of increased birth rates (to repopulate Europe) that lashed out against midwives who had extensive knowledge of methods of birth control. Today, very little knowledge is preserved of what kinds of birth control ancient Europeans used, because all the women who knew were persecuted and burned as witches! This medieval Baby Boom carried on through the Renaissance times and fueled the violent mercantilism and imperialism of the sixteenth and seventeenth centuries: there were plenty of—too many—youngsters larking around, so they sent them off to fight wars, knock up foreigners, and spread capitalism!
I’m sorry for stealing your thunder, Claire…sike not really!
Capitalist spawn! Oh yeah, I didn’t even go into the secret ingredient. There’s definitely something in there that they’re not telling us about…I can’t tell you either though. Sorry, they’d kill me.
Hey, hey, hey, no one puts my tangents in the corner. Or tangents off my tangents. I’m the tangent master. Master those tangents, man. So let’s just clear that up: we’ll leave the conspiracizing to me, since Gen is clearly just another helpless victim of brainwashing. Of course she’s happy taking the pill at 4:20 every day—that’s what they want. Point. In. Case. And time’s just a manmade perception, man. Fucking magnets…
I’ll leave the ball in your court, dear reader. Will you take the red pill, the blue pill, or the white pill? Just think, in a century our grandchildren will look at this unnatural method with the same disbelieving disgust that we view bleeding and leech treatment and shock therapy—”They did WHAT to their ovaries? Poor ovaries!”
Ovaries out. Which, ironically, would be testicles.
You know, actually, I think I will speak about that “secret ingredient.” My brainwashed guess is that Claire just made that shit up. “They’d kill me?” Who’d bother killing you?
Um…I’ll leave you with a couple songs. Wasn’t that the point, before all those tangents off tangents? I’ve had these both on heavy repeat for the last week:
While we’re talking about sex, or a lack of sex—either way—here’s a new jam from CSS, one of the sexiest bands out there.
And here’s another fresh & awesome jam by the one and only Jakob McWhinney, who’d better appreciate the exposure.
Okay, you made me go there. The secret ingredient is cinnamon.